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photo credit

Super great to meet you, Mr. Network Executive! I’m thrilled to pitch you my holiday movie.

As you know, virginity exams have been blowing up since iconic rapper TI announced he requires his daughter to have an annual virginity exam. A virginity exam occurs when a doctor looks inside a vagina to see if the hymen is intact. You see, some grown adults with no science education whatsoever believe that that if a hymen is intact, the girl or woman is a virgin. But if the hymen is bruised, torn, or generally out to lunch: Looks like you’ve got a non-virgin daughter on your hands! …


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Image via The Icon Herself

Dear Ms. Spears,

Like many of my comrades in the #FreeBritney movement, I am appalled by your current legal battle. In 2007, you were deemed “unfit” to control your assets, making your father the executor of your finances. Now other hangers-on, including your sister Jamie Lynn Spears, seek to lord over your life’s worth. I feel 100% comfortable and not at all inappropriate in saying that the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be disgusted by this forced submission to the patriarchy. Quite frankly, you were deemed unfit to control your assets merely because your shaved-head look wasn’t as hot as Demi Moore’s (circa G.I.Jane). And that is unacceptable. Who do these judges think you are, an infant? Some sort of serf with bedazzled toe rings? Ridiculous. You should be in charge of your own assets. …


Ass aerobics and miscellaneous butt tips

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Image via Library of Congress

If you’re reading this article, you’re probably one of the privileged folks on preventative quarantine. Congratulations! Do you find yourself in the literal position of sitting, all the time, for days on end, with your eyes glazing over and your ass cheeks hardening? Fear not; I have been an experienced sitter for decades on decades. Please enjoy these tips, then go thank your local essential services folks for being at-risk while you sit on your caboose.

Move around.

Think of cross-training your ass. If one couch cushion has poke-y springs, force yourself to switch that cushion with the good cushion. Next, go sit on a hard bench in the park and stare at pigeons alone for an hour. Then sit on a stack of 10 pillows for no reason. …


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Image via Paste

Thank you for submitting your scholarly article to The International Scientific Journal of Science. Before your submission is final, please check each box to confirm you acknowledge each requirement and disclaimer.

⃞ Maximum article length is 5,000 words, including all references, figures, and graphs.

⃞ Within these 5,000 words, please ensure that you have delineated a rock-solid, thorough, and intricate analytic story that rivals Tolstoy’s War & Peace.

⃞ All text (including, figures, graphs, and references) must adhere to an inane and unreasonably rigid style manual such as APA, MLA, or Tolkien’s Elvish language of Quenya.

⃞ Please check your references again; you definitely didn’t cite that one website correctly. …


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Ocasio-Cortez’s suit and accessories pay homage to previous suffragettes & SCOTUS justice Sonia Sotomayor. Image Source

A new era has dawned: The freshman Congressional class includes more diverse women than ever before. We have queer women, we have Native American women, and we have Muslim women. These critical voices will bring about major change in policy directives. Like many women in America, I feel empowered to see such strong feminist powerhouses join our government.

But OH MY GOD did you see Kyrsten Sinema’s (D- AZ)’s Legally Blonde-inspired pink puffy coat? So edgy! That atheist babe can ROCK a swearing-in.

The young, progressive women in Congress differ notably from prior freshmen due to their large social media presence. Pundits suggest that the popularity of progressive Congresswomen could move moderate liberals even farther left. …


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First, a test of basic mental functions, like memory and reasoning.

1. Who is your lord and savior?

a. Well-known, widely accepted deities/prophets such as Mohammed, the Gods of Hinduism, etc.

b. Satan

c. Jimmy Buffett

d. This pile of buttered rice

2. Are these numbered questions lining up correctly?

a. Right? The #2 seems way more left of the #1. Or am I imagining it?

b. No, but this is in Google Docs I think.

c. Vanilla.

Now let’s assess your ability to handle cognitive load.

3. Can you count backwards from ten out loud while simultaneously knuckle-tapping Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping”?


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KC Green cartoon

Dear Dr. Wilcox,

I just received your documentation from Blue Cross. I noticed, in particular, that under “other” you wrote: Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This is inaccurate. While I have nothing but respect for you as a doctor (you attended Rutgers!), there are clearly some important health behaviors I didn’t make you properly aware of.

I can’t possibly be anxious, because I take 11 supplements each day. This includes a WebMD and Mayo Clinic-supported dose of 1250 milligrams of vitamin D. I was at first concerned, because there’s Vitamin D in my rigorously-internet-researched raw vegan herbal-forward one-a-day supplement. …


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I do not believe that you are prepared for this marmalade.

Sir, this cadence is daft.

Pray tell, who commands the cosmos? Youthful females.

I possess piquant dressing in my satchel. (Splendid.)

Young beau, you cause me to wheeze.

Because if you find it amenable, you ought to have placed a bauble on it.

Ladies, abandon your gentleman to his dwelling; the bacchanal is ripe with lords, and their pockets have expanded!

I arose at dawn in this very state.

Wallop that! Cheer! Cheer! Cheer! as though you are unconcerned.

To the west side facing north; all that you possess in the trunk to the west side facing north.

I arrived to conquer, you female dog.

Young man, adieu.


Take this opportunity to channel your third eye and be empowered alongside your coven.

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Image via The Daily Treat

Supernatural beasties follow trends. In the early 90s and 00s, we had several glorious Hot Vampire Eras thanks to a deliciously wicked Gary Oldman’s Dracula, Sookie Stackhouse, and the worldwide movement that was Twilight. (Praise be Robert Pattinson and his gene-blessed succubus siblings.) Aliens were big in the 80s and 90s courtesy of Ridley Scott’s franchise and the sexy detective work of Mulder and Scully. Zombies also had a few good years recently, in part due to The Walking Dead and a resurgence in camp horror popularity.

And now we are onto witches. While arguably witches (and other supernatural entities) never truly go out of style, it’s undeniable that witches are having a huge moment in 2017. One can find smudge sticks in the corner book shop, Goop touts crystals, and tarot cards sell out everywhere from Urban Outfitters to Walmart. A few weeks ago, group of my friends started a Facebook group called “Easy Bake Coven” to share daily tarot readings, tincture recipes, and new apartment blessings. In addition to the purely fun aspect of the group, we connect with other female-identified contemporaries and “share our powers.” …

About

Melanie LaForce

Author of the funny-awesome (CHEAP) book CORN-FED: CUL-DE-SACS, KEG STANDS, AND COMING OF AGE IN THE MIDWEST. Twitter: @rileycoyote.

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